If you’ve ever heard your child yell, “That’s not fair!” you’re not alone. Children are wired to notice differences and compare. To them, fairness usually means sameness — the same number of cookies, the same bedtime, the same turn. But in parenting, fairness isn’t always about equal shares. It’s about equity: giving each child what they uniquely need to thrive. What Research Tells Us Studies show that even toddlers notice inequality. By age 3, children protest when they see someone treated unfairly (Sloane et al., 2012). Preschoolers equate fairness with “equal,” while older children begin to recognize that people have different needs (Damon, 1988). This shift doesn’t happen on its own. Children learn the difference when parents explain it in everyday life. For example: “Your brother needs help tying his shoes. When you were younger, I helped you too.” “She’s feeling worried tonight, so I’m staying with her a bit longer. If you need me in that way, I’ll be there for you too.” Parenting Across Developmental Stages One of the biggest challenges for families is that children are not all at the same stage at the same time. A toddler’s needs for naps, constant supervision, and comfort look very different from an older child’s needs for independence, privacy, and support with schoolwork. This gap often sparks the loudest “That’s not fair!” protests. An older child might feel it’s unfair that their younger sibling gets to stay up late at a family gathering or sit on a parent’s lap during story time. A younger sibling might feel jealous of the freedoms or privileges their older sibling enjoys — staying home alone, getting a later bedtime, or using electronics. For parents, the challenge is twofold: Meeting each child’s real developmental needs (sleep, independence, guidance). Managing the big emotions that arise when siblings compare across stages. The key is to name the difference: “Your sister is younger, so her body still needs naps. When you were her age, you did too.” “You’re older now, so you’ve earned the freedom to walk to your friend’s house. Your brother will get that chance when he’s ready.” When parents frame privileges and supports as part of growing up, not favoritism, children begin to trust that their turn will come. This eases jealousy and strengthens sibling understanding. Parenting with Equity Parenting often means giving different kinds of support to each child. One may need extra help with homework, while another needs more space to calm down after school. This can spark sibling jealousy unless parents name what’s happening. Equity sounds like: “Fair doesn’t always mean equal. It means everyone gets what they need.” This approach not only helps children feel secure, it also models empathy — the ability to see from someone else’s perspective. Research shows kids thrive when caregivers respond to their individual needs, not when every child is treated exactly the same (Ainsworth, 1978; Siegel & Bryson, 2011). Extended Family and Generations Fairness vs. equity doesn’t end in childhood. It shows up in extended families too — when grandparents help one sibling financially, or parents spend more time with the child who lives nearby. Without clear communication, these differences can look like favoritism. Equity conversations with adult children might sound like: “We’re supporting your sister right now because she lost her job. If you were in a similar situation, we’d support you too.” Being transparent about intentions strengthens trust across generations. Why It Matters Perceived unfairness activates the brain’s alarm system (Tabibnia et al., 2008). Children’s nervous systems are especially sensitive, which is why cries of “That’s not fair!” come with such intensity. When parents acknowledge these feelings and explain equity, kids learn emotional regulation and empathy. Understanding equity also prepares children for the wider world — from classrooms to workplaces to communities. They learn that fairness isn’t about everyone getting the same, but about everyone having enough to succeed. Takeaways for Parents Narrate Needs – Explain why one child gets extra support. Validate Feelings – Acknowledge “That’s not fair!” before reframing. Highlight Stages – Name differences as part of growing up, not favoritism. Model Empathy – Use everyday examples to show equity in action. Anchor in Values – Remind children that your family’s goal is caring for one another. Closing Thought Children may see fairness as equal cookies or identical bedtimes, but families can expand that view. When we practice equity — meeting each person where they are, at their stage of growth — we create homes grounded in trust, empathy, and connection. True fairness is not about sameness, but about helping each other thrive. References Ainsworth, M. D. S. (1978). Patterns of Attachment. Damon, W. (1988). The Moral Child. Siegel, D. J., & Bryson, T. P. (2011). The Whole-Brain Child. Sloane, S., Baillargeon, R., & Premack, D. (2012). Psychological Science, 23(2). Tabibnia, G., Satpute, A. B., & Lieberman, M. D. (2008). Psychological Science, 19(4).

Recovery is never just about abstaining from substances — it is about reclaiming a life of integrity, meaning, and connection. For parents in recovery, one of the greatest challenges is learning how to parent with presence while healing from the past. Questions often surface: How do I repair the hurt caused by my addiction? How do I set limits when I am still learning to set them for myself? How do I stay calm when my brain and body are wired for fight-or-flight? The truth is, these struggles are not signs of failure, they are invitations into healing. Parenting in recovery offers a path where the wisdom of the 12 Steps, modern brain science, and family-centered support converge to create something powerful: a way to heal oneself and their child(ren), together. Making Peace with the Parenting Past Step Four of the 12 Steps invites a “searching and fearless moral inventory.” In parenting, this often means facing the moments of absence, anger, or inconsistency that weigh heavily on parents in recovery. As Dr. Gabor Maté reminds us in In the Realm of Hungry Ghosts, “Children don’t need perfect parents. They need parents who are present and willing to repair.” At Calm Current Parenting, parents are guided to reframe guilt into responsibility: “I cannot change what has been, but I can take ownership of today.” In AA this prayer relays the same concept. “God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and wisdom to know the difference.” The goal is not to erase mistakes but to model accountability. Repairing ruptures — whether through apologies, consistency, or small daily gestures of love — becomes the foundation of rebuilding trust. Boundaries as Anchors Boundaries in recovery are not punishments — they are lifelines. Just as sobriety requires saying “no” to certain people, places, and substances, parenting requires saying “no” in ways that protect and guide. The book Beyond Addiction for Families emphasizes that boundaries must be both compassionate and firm. They are not walls that separate us from our children, but anchors that hold the family steady in turbulent waters. Boundaries provide the predictability children crave and help parents reclaim authority rooted in love, not fear. Healing the Inner Child Addiction is often described as an attempt to soothe the unhealed wounds of our own childhood. Step Six and Seven ask us to release the patterns that no longer serve us — many of which come from unmet needs in our earliest years. When children trigger our anger, defiance, or fear, it is often our inner child who is speaking. The one who felt powerless, unseen, or unloved. By tending to that inner child through therapy, journaling, or re-parenting practices, parents gain the freedom to respond differently. Instead of reacting from a wound (“I was never allowed to speak that way, so you won’t either”), a parent can respond from wisdom: “I see you’re angry. Let’s take a breath together.” Healing the inner child not only transforms parenting but also breaks generational cycles. Regulation and Co-Regulation The 12 Steps emphasize humility, surrender, and daily practice. Similarly, parenting requires practices that steady the nervous system in moments of chaos. Neuroscientific research shows that when the amygdala is activated, the brain shifts into survival mode: fight, flight, freeze, or fawn (LeDoux, 2000; Siegel, 2012). This amygdala hijack can feel like being swept into a tidal wave of panic or rage. The good news: regulation is possible. Breathwork, grounding exercises, or simply pausing before reacting sends a signal to the brain that “I am safe.” Even more powerful is co-regulation, when a parent’s calm presence steadies the child’s storm. Polyvagal theory (Porges, 2011) demonstrates that our nervous systems are wired to attune. When a parent takes a deep breath, softens their voice, and meets their child’s eyes, the child’s nervous system begins to settle too. Regulation becomes not just a personal practice but a relational gift. Healthy Aggression: From Destruction to Protection Addiction often channels energy into destructive forms like rage, withdrawal, avoidance. But that same energy, when reclaimed, becomes a force of protection and vitality. Psychologist Donald Winnicott described “healthy aggression” as the life force that protects boundaries, asserts needs, and defends what matters most. In parenting, this looks like: Protecting family routines even when children resist. Standing firm in values: “I won’t allow harm in our home.” Channeling energy into play, movement, or advocacy. Healthy aggression is not about control — it is about using strength in the service of connection and safety. Parallels Between the 12 Steps and Parenting The overlap between recovery and parenting is profound: Step 4: Inventory → Parenting Reflection Both invite honesty without judgment. Step 8–9: Amends → Repair with Children Owning mistakes builds trust and teaches resilience. Step 10: Daily Inventory → Daily Reflection in Parenting Checking in each day prevents old patterns from taking hold. Step 11: Prayer/Meditation → Regulation & Self-Compassion Both cultivate presence and humility. Step 12: Service → Modeling for Children Parents serve not only the community but also their children by embodying recovery. Both paths are about progress, not perfection. Healing Together Parenting in recovery is not about being flawless. It is about being present, accountable, and willing to repair. It is about turning the tools of recovery into tools of parenting: reflection, boundaries, humility, service, and love. As Gabor Maté writes, “The attempt to escape from pain is what creates more pain. The attempt to meet pain with compassion is what begins to heal it.” When parents in recovery meet their own pain with compassion, they create the possibility of breaking cycles, healing generations, and raising children who know both the power of vulnerability and the strength of love. Support for Parents and Families in Recovery If you’re a parent in recovery or if you have a family member in recovery, know that you don’t have to do this alone. Calm Current Parenting offers resources and support tailored for families like yours. References Maté, G. (2008). In the Realm of Hungry Ghosts: Close Encounters with Addiction. Knopf. Foote, J., Wilkens, C., Kosanke, N., & Higgs, K. (2014). Beyond Addiction: How Science and Kindness Help People Change. Scribner. LeDoux, J. (2000). Emotion circuits in the brain. Annual Review of Neuroscience, 23, 155–184. Porges, S. (2011). The Polyvagal Theory: Neurophysiological Foundations of Emotions, Attachment, Communication, and Self-Regulation. Norton. Siegel, D. J. (2012). The Developing Mind: How Relationships and the Brain Interact to Shape Who We Are. Guilford.