Equity vs. Fairness in Families: Through a Child's Eyes

Kendall Brooks • September 9, 2025

Why Kids Shout “That’s Not Fair!”

If you’ve ever heard your child yell, “That’s not fair!” you’re not alone. Children are wired to notice differences and compare. To them, fairness usually means sameness — the same number of cookies, the same bedtime, the same turn. But in parenting, fairness isn’t always about equal shares. It’s about equity: giving each child what they uniquely need to thrive.

What Research Tells Us

Studies show that even toddlers notice inequality. By age 3, children protest when they see someone treated unfairly (Sloane et al., 2012). Preschoolers equate fairness with “equal,” while older children begin to recognize that people have different needs (Damon, 1988).

This shift doesn’t happen on its own. Children learn the difference when parents explain it in everyday life. For example:
  • “Your brother needs help tying his shoes. When you were younger, I helped you too.”
  • “She’s feeling worried tonight, so I’m staying with her a bit longer. If you need me in that way, I’ll be there for you too.”

Parenting Across Developmental Stages

One of the biggest challenges for families is that children are not all at the same stage at the same time. A toddler’s needs for naps, constant supervision, and comfort look very different from an older child’s needs for independence, privacy, and support with schoolwork.

This gap often sparks the loudest “That’s not fair!” protests. An older child might feel it’s unfair that their younger sibling gets to stay up late at a family gathering or sit on a parent’s lap during story time. A younger sibling might feel jealous of the freedoms or privileges their older sibling enjoys — staying home alone, getting a later bedtime, or using electronics.

For parents, the challenge is twofold:
  1. Meeting each child’s real developmental needs (sleep, independence, guidance).
  2. Managing the big emotions that arise when siblings compare across stages.
The key is to name the difference:
  • “Your sister is younger, so her body still needs naps. When you were her age, you did too.”
  • “You’re older now, so you’ve earned the freedom to walk to your friend’s house. Your brother will get that chance when he’s ready.”
When parents frame privileges and supports as part of growing up, not favoritism, children begin to trust that their turn will come. This eases jealousy and strengthens sibling understanding.

Parenting with Equity

Parenting often means giving different kinds of support to each child. One may need extra help with homework, while another needs more space to calm down after school. This can spark sibling jealousy unless parents name what’s happening.

Equity sounds like:
  • “Fair doesn’t always mean equal. It means everyone gets what they need.”
This approach not only helps children feel secure, it also models empathy — the ability to see from someone else’s perspective. Research shows kids thrive when caregivers respond to their individual needs, not when every child is treated exactly the same (Ainsworth, 1978; Siegel & Bryson, 2011).

Extended Family and Generations

Fairness vs. equity doesn’t end in childhood. It shows up in extended families too — when grandparents help one sibling financially, or parents spend more time with the child who lives nearby. Without clear communication, these differences can look like favoritism.

Equity conversations with adult children might sound like:
  • “We’re supporting your sister right now because she lost her job. If you were in a similar situation, we’d support you too.”
Being transparent about intentions strengthens trust across generations.

Why It Matters

Perceived unfairness activates the brain’s alarm system (Tabibnia et al., 2008). Children’s nervous systems are especially sensitive, which is why cries of “That’s not fair!” come with such intensity. When parents acknowledge these feelings and explain equity, kids learn emotional regulation and empathy.

Understanding equity also prepares children for the wider world — from classrooms to workplaces to communities. They learn that fairness isn’t about everyone getting the same, but about everyone having enough to succeed.

Takeaways for Parents
  1. Narrate Needs – Explain why one child gets extra support.
  2. Validate Feelings – Acknowledge “That’s not fair!” before reframing.
  3. Highlight Stages – Name differences as part of growing up, not favoritism.
  4. Model Empathy – Use everyday examples to show equity in action.
  5. Anchor in Values – Remind children that your family’s goal is caring for one another.

Closing Thought

Children may see fairness as equal cookies or identical bedtimes, but families can expand that view. When we practice equity — meeting each person where they are, at their stage of growth — we create homes grounded in trust, empathy, and connection. True fairness is not about sameness, but about helping each other thrive.

References

  • Ainsworth, M. D. S. (1978). Patterns of Attachment.
  • Damon, W. (1988). The Moral Child.
  • Siegel, D. J., & Bryson, T. P. (2011). The Whole-Brain Child.
  • Sloane, S., Baillargeon, R., & Premack, D. (2012). Psychological Science, 23(2).
  • Tabibnia, G., Satpute, A. B., & Lieberman, M. D. (2008). Psychological Science, 19(4).